Relieved

Last week my co-worker turned to me and said, "It's so funny how different you are at work and outside work." I asked him what he meant, knowing full-well that at work, I am an insufferable, caustic, grouchy, negative drain on everything and everyone. I claim this as a side-effect to hating my job but know that, at least in part, this is something I choose.

I had lamented to Ed recently that I'm sure everyone at work hates me, thinks I'm a drag, wants nothing to do with me. I don't even like myself at work; how could anyone else? I worried aloud to Ed that my work friends only saw that side of me and didn't know that really, I can be awesome. I can, right?

So I asked my co-worker what he meant, and he explained.

"Outside of work you're all 'Yeah man! Cool...hahaha!' But at work you're all 'Blaaaarrhghghg' all the time. It's sort of funny."

I laughed, glad I hadn't been pinned entirely as the one-dimensional office beast.

And I'm relieved, deservedly or not, that people manage to see other sides of me despite the tough-girl walls I build around me, manage to wade through the sarcasm and hear what I mean rather than what I say. And it got me thinking; wondering, really, what those walls are for. And thinking I might try tearing them down.

Into the Wild redux

I saw Into the Wild last night and came home haunted, sad and thoughtful. After reading the book in high school and being utterly shaken, floored really, at the immensity of it all, I was worried the movie would never live up. I was relieved when it did, relieved that Sean Penn and Jon Krakauer avoided everything Hollywood and actually paid respectable tribute to a kid and his life, his family, their journey and this epic story.

I am left awed by McCandless's courage and vision, regretful at his folly and introspective about truth and love, relationships, selfhood, honesty and moderation. This is a story that, at age sixteen when I read it the first time, changed my life. I find that now, ten years later, it has changed me again, but in different ways. I am moved by how universal and yet singularly unique this story remains. I am drawn in by the contradictions inherent in this and every similar tale, of strength and weakness, wisdom and foolishness, pride and humility, mistakes and their lessons. I am reminded that life is lived in the gray, not in the extremes we sometimes pursue, the visions we set forth as our lives' paths. I am struck by the black and whites we strive for, and the enveloping gray that fills in the cracks, making us human.

This is a story worth reading, a movie worth seeing and a quest so quintessential, so essential, so rooted in the heart of who we are that it is absolutely not to be missed.

Visual Learner

During our nightly crossword puzzle:

Ed: Alright, 2 down..."Cochise and Geronimo, e.g."
Elli: Cochise?
Ed: Yep, Cochise and Geronimo. Apaches, maybe?
Elli: Ed.
Ed: Elli?
Elli: You know how sometimes you call me co-cheese? You say 'Good one, co-cheese' or 'Let's go, co-cheese' or something?
Ed: Yes...?
Elli: Oh my god. You were saying COCHISE all along?!
Ed: ...
Elli: *dies*

A Little Charmed

This is cute. You should check it out and be a little charmed.
My favorite part is the little arrow pointing to his head that says, "Not insane."

**update!!**
He found her! Holy moly...